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story for writing

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Particinator
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#1
k. this is kinda long and all, first post in this section. we had to write a page long story about anything, the beginging was in my head for a while and i bullshited my way through the rest. tell me what ya think....

The first thing that assailed his senses was the sickeningly sweet smell of blood. Cracking his eyes open through a killer headache, he surveyed his surroundings. He was sitting propped up against great oak tree, which resided atop a hill. Opening his eyes wider he saw what caused the smell. Hundreds of dead littered the field before him. Already the raucous calls of the carrion birds rang in his ears.
Moving his hand slowly through the grass below him, his left hand brushed against something cold and hard. Lifting it before his eyes he saw a roughly made helmet. What fully brought his attention fully unto it was a great rent in it. With shaking hands he lifted it atop his head. It fit perfectly. He removes the helmet and slowly rises his hands to pat his head. Nothing except for old blood which caked in his hair.
Rising to his feet, he stumbles down the hill. As he enters the hellish field of death, he notices that they have all fallen fighting. He continues through the field, scarring black birds who resume there feast once he has past.
Somewhere above, four powers patiently and hopefully watch, there plan finally beginning to take shape. The fledgling rave of men were on the brink of chaos. Already, so early in their evolutionary stage they had begun killing one another.
Being unable to interfere directly to better the world, they had stopped a mortal’s death. With this mans soul caught between life and death, they taught it many things. One of the most important being a set of morals. Ector, god of death thought it the value of life. Thordor, creator of worlds, taught it the pride of ones history. Mariel, mother of all, taught it to love all of her creatures. Finally, Chaodin, god of chaos, thought it the meaning of order. With this Ector slipped the mans soul back into its empty shell, putting it into a coma like state.
The world is a direct reflection of the relationship of the gods. Currently it is in a state of turmoil. War runs rampant across the land. Mankind has no beliefs. They have lost all thoughts of right and wrong. The only virtue that separates men from the animals is hate. Hate for others of their own species that are different or have a better lot in life.
One of the powers is trying to become more than it already is, trying to gain control over the other three. It is gaining power, causing upset amongst the gods. Since the maelstrom of hate could be related to any of the powers, and that none will own up to the disruption, they have decided on a course of action. The man whose soul is imbued with morals is to set out and act as a salve for the land. It is hoped that he will teach others of this way. With the hope of peace, perhaps the god will find a way to end there own inner conflict.
Standing at the edge of the field, gazing at the endless sea of the dead and dying, the man contemplated what new thoughts and emotions he was feeling. Raising the rented helm, he pushed the two halves together, wondering if bringing mankind together would be as easy.
 

_Kitana_

Angel of Death
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#2
Great idea....great story line.

but wow is it rough...diffently can tell you bullshitted your way through a lot of it.


I will only pick at the start

The first thing that assailed his senses was the sickeningly sweet smell of blood. Cracking his eyes open through a killer headache, he surveyed his surroundings. He was sitting propped up against great oak tree, which resided atop a hill. Opening his eyes wider he saw what caused the smell. Hundreds of dead littered the field before him. Already the raucous calls of the carrion birds rang in his ears.
Moving his hand slowly through the grass below him, his left hand brushed against something cold and hard. Lifting it before his eyes he saw a roughly made helmet. What fully brought his attention fully unto it was a great rent in it. With shaking hands he lifted it atop his head. It fit perfectly. He removes the helmet and slowly rises his hands to pat his head. Nothing except for old blood which caked in his hair.
I don't know I am not a great write but there so much more you could do with this and some word choice is alittle poor. You was trying to give the feeling that this char knew nothing of his past. That he was in great pain resting above a feild of death and decay that brought about the harsh smell o f blood.

I believe there was a book I read based on true real life stories about WWII

A line from went something like this " The vile smell of death was all around you and you would hardly want to take a breath to avoid breathing it in. You never completly filled your lungs full of air."

researching stuff like WWII and great battle feilds and the way they described smelled often times will help make ur story seem more real, more alive or in this case dead.

you never gave insite into what time period it was or anything in this short read.
 

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Particinator
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#4
ty, i had labout a day to write it.
oh ya, i posted it here right after i wrote it, and closed down word perfect. later i tried to bring it up and the program kept freezing. i freaked out and started to get pissed. then i remembered about posting it, and, once again wtf.com has helped me out
 

Ignorance!

Banned - What an Asshat!
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#6
Yes, I Realize It Is A Page Story!

you should spread it out... it gots potential!
 

ThrillJunkie

Life is Peachy.
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#7
that was pretty cool dude, and seeing as its the first thread ive looked at on this site i might stick around...