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Study Reveals: Babies Are Stupid

DIZNUTS

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LOS ANGELES - A surprising new study released Monday by UCLA's Institute For Child Development revealed that human babies, long thought by psychologists to be highly inquisitive and adaptable, are actually extraordinarily stupid.

The study, an 18-month battery of intelligence tests administered to over 3,500 babies, concluded categorically that babies are "so stupid, it's not even funny."

According to Institute president Molly Bentley, in an effort to determine infant survival instincts when attacked, the babies were prodded in an aggressive manner with a broken broom handle. Over 90 percent of them, when poked, failed to make even rudimentary attempts to defend themselves. The remaining 10 percent responded by vacating their bowels.

It is unlikely that the presence of the babies' fecal matter, however foul-smelling, would have a measurable defensive effect against an attacker in a real-world situation," Bentley said.

Another test, in which the infants were placed on a mound of dirt outdoors during a torrential downpour, produced similarly bleak results.

"The chicken, dog and even worm babies that we submitted to the test as a control group all had enough sense to come in from the rain or, at least, seek shelter under a leafy clump of vegetation or outcropping of rock," test supervisor Thomas Howell said. "The human babies, on the other hand, could not grasp even this incredibly basic concept, instead merely lying on the ground and making gurgling noises."

According to Howell, almost 60 percent of the infants tested in this manner eventually drowned.

Some of the babies tested were actually so stupid that they choked to death on pieces of Micronaut space toys. Others, unable to use such primitive instruments as can openers and spoons due to insufficient motor skills, simply starved to death, despite being surrounded by cabinets full of nutritious, life-giving Gerber-brand baby-food products.

Babies, the study concluded, are also too stupid to do the following: avoid getting their heads trapped in automatic car windows; use ice to alleviate the pain of burn injuries resulting from touching an open flame; master the skills required for scuba diving; and use a safety ladder to reach a window to escape from a room filled with cyanide gas.

"As a mother of four, I find these results very disheartening," Bentley told reporters. "I can honestly say that the effort I have expended trying to raise my children into intelligent beings may have been entirely wasted - a fool's dream, if you will."

Study results also prompted a strong reaction from President Bush "All of us, on some primitive, mammalian level, feel a great sense of pride in our offspring," Bush said. "It is now clear, however, that these feelings are unfounded. Given the overwhelming evidence of their profound stupidity, we have no choice but to replace our existing infant population with artificially incubated simu-drones, with the eventual goal of phasing out the shamefully stupid human baby forever."
 
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#2
I was one of the scientists in these studies. :thumbsup:

Very interesting stuff. :thumbsup:
 

DIZNUTS

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HavokChylde said:
I was one of the scientists in these studies. :thumbsup:

Very interesting stuff. :thumbsup:
were you the "poking" scientist?
 
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#4
DIZNUTS said:
were you the "poking" scientist?

Well, I helped with all of the studies. But that doesn't mention all of the interesting tests we did.

We shook the babies with paint thinning machines to see if they would flick the switch to turn it off....nothing.

Then, we burned them with smokes to see if they would punch us. Nothing. I was disappointed. :thumbsdn:
 
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Well its back to eating them then. Come on men bring the sporks and ketchup.
 

bnccoder

Postaholic
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I was one of the babies. :thumbsup: That damn ckicken cheated.
 

Noob

Banned - What an Asshat!
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#7
Babies are stupid? No shit.
 

TwisT

Hooked on Rocks!
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#9
DIZNUTS said:
LOS ANGELES - A surprising new study released Monday by UCLA's Institute For Child Development revealed that human babies, long thought by psychologists to be highly inquisitive and adaptable, are actually extraordinarily stupid.

The study, an 18-month battery of intelligence tests administered to over 3,500 babies, concluded categorically that babies are "so stupid, it's not even funny."

According to Institute president Molly Bentley, in an effort to determine infant survival instincts when attacked, the babies were prodded in an aggressive manner with a broken broom handle. Over 90 percent of them, when poked, failed to make even rudimentary attempts to defend themselves. The remaining 10 percent responded by vacating their bowels.

It is unlikely that the presence of the babies' fecal matter, however foul-smelling, would have a measurable defensive effect against an attacker in a real-world situation," Bentley said.

Another test, in which the infants were placed on a mound of dirt outdoors during a torrential downpour, produced similarly bleak results.

"The chicken, dog and even worm babies that we submitted to the test as a control group all had enough sense to come in from the rain or, at least, seek shelter under a leafy clump of vegetation or outcropping of rock," test supervisor Thomas Howell said. "The human babies, on the other hand, could not grasp even this incredibly basic concept, instead merely lying on the ground and making gurgling noises."

According to Howell, almost 60 percent of the infants tested in this manner eventually drowned.

Some of the babies tested were actually so stupid that they choked to death on pieces of Micronaut space toys. Others, unable to use such primitive instruments as can openers and spoons due to insufficient motor skills, simply starved to death, despite being surrounded by cabinets full of nutritious, life-giving Gerber-brand baby-food products.

Babies, the study concluded, are also too stupid to do the following: avoid getting their heads trapped in automatic car windows; use ice to alleviate the pain of burn injuries resulting from touching an open flame; master the skills required for scuba diving; and use a safety ladder to reach a window to escape from a room filled with cyanide gas.

"As a mother of four, I find these results very disheartening," Bentley told reporters. "I can honestly say that the effort I have expended trying to raise my children into intelligent beings may have been entirely wasted - a fool's dream, if you will."

Study results also prompted a strong reaction from President Bush "All of us, on some primitive, mammalian level, feel a great sense of pride in our offspring," Bush said. "It is now clear, however, that these feelings are unfounded. Given the overwhelming evidence of their profound stupidity, we have no choice but to replace our existing infant population with artificially incubated simu-drones, with the eventual goal of phasing out the shamefully stupid human baby forever."
Didn't make it far past this stage didn't you deez.
At-least you now know your momma was full of shit when she told you "You were a bright baby"!
 

dustinzgirl

Banned - What an Asshat!
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#10
What the government is not telling you is that these tests were conducted on human infants born to civilization. In a darker expirement, babies born in the wild were tested in the same manner. Two of the babies devoured the arms of scientists, one utilizing the broom to knock down and hold the scientist while the other tore the arm off. They gnawed at the rest of his body until help arrived, shooting the infants with horse tranquilizers. One human baby when left in the rain persisted to crawl into the warm house where the scientists were recording the test, then turned on the gas, left a lit cigarette in the kitchen, and escaped through the doorway. The newspapers called the burning deaths of the scientists a "horrible accident." Two other infants when burnt with lit cigarettes laughed uncontrollably until the scientist stopped in wonder. At that moment, knowing the scientists were off guard, they jumped on and devoured the scientists in a gruesome display of cannibalism. There were many others who showed strong, violent survival skills, all accounts have been hunted down and erased by the government in hopes to integrate the new clones into the population.
 

DIZNUTS

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#11
TwisT said:
Didn't make it far past this stage didn't you deez.
At-least you now know your momma was full of shit when she told you "You were a bright baby"!
hmmm that explains why she made me wear that silly helmet
/me takes helmet off
 
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#13
Here baby baby baby GET IN MY BELLY. I love the other other white meat. I shall save the world by devoring all of the evil cannibalistic babies ion the world and all of you skinny people shall bow down before me and those of you that do not i shall devoir you as well. :D
 

dzaykim

Toss my salad
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#15
ROFL
Who the fucktard pokes a baby with a broomstick in order to test their intelligence?
 

JLXC

WTF's Official Conspiracy Fanatic
Premium
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#16
Thanks for the laugh Diznuts!
 
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#18
whoa, i just wasted yet another couple minutes of my life. shit shit when will we ever learn.
 

polaris_nine

Banned - What an Asshat!
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#19
dzaykim said:
ROFL
Who the fucktard pokes a baby with a broomstick in order to test their intelligence?
And I've finally found my sig.
 

Billybob

Gimmie Pwnies
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#20
one time this chick asked if I could have her baby.

I said, "Only if you barbeque it. And use homemade sauce, none of that store bought crap. And cook it for a long time, I want the meat to fall right off the bone."

she never got back to me on that. :(