WTF ... IS WTF!?
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Take another little ......

I haven't written anything since my angst riddled youth. I use to show up at the local coffee shops and recite in poetry slams. I used a nice blend of original and when I wasn't feeling creative some Henry Rollins would. I'm not sure if you would call it poetry, pros or just plane old crap. Here I will take a stab at this for the first time in years.

What's your angle?
What are you trying to sell?
Is it the ever elusive "dream" or the idea?
Are you trying to sell me the future or gyp me on the past?
Is it a pile of shit in a box with silky smooth wrapping paper and a pretty red ribbon on top?
What's your asking price?
Is it free and all you want is a little bit of my time?
Is it another chunk of my soul? Maybe this time you only want it part time instead of full.
An arm and a leg? Fuck that would be cheap after some of what I've bought into.
Yah you heard me. Bought into. Weather or not I believed it I bought it, took the bait hook line sinker the fucking kitchen sink and what ever else you could cram down my mouth cause I couldn't do shit about it after the check cleared.
So what do you want this time? Your not selling anything. Its what your taking and how much it is going to cost me to let you take it. Here I should just carve my self up and serve it in little predigested peaces on a silver platter for your dining enjoyment. Why not I've given everything else. Tears, blood, sweat, pain .... and the thing I will never reclaim, my time.

Oh but why? Why would you want to not buy in again and again? Come on at least part time. If you won't let us suck your fucking soul dry 24-7 then give us just a taste. Open a wound and let us feed like a leach or tick. Let us suck you dry slowly and maybe you won't feel it. Its kind of like getting fucked in the ass by hard throbbing cock. If it happens long enough and often enough maybe you won't feel just a finger but is it any less invasive? Just because you have grown numb to the feeling, have killed your gag reflex, have accepted the spiritual fucking as a part of your day just like waking up, dose that make it any better? Any less wrong?

Is it me? Am I the one at fault for being duped, for buying in, for taking the easy out? Am I at fault for leaving my self exposed, relaxing the defensive posture and letting the carrion eaters in. Is it my fault for buying what you were selling?

Well I'm not buying any more. Cancel my subscription. No soliciting. Trespassers will be shot. Salesmen will be shot again. My freedom came at a price. I think I have more than paid for it, and it didn't even cost me a cent, but it almost cost me everything.

Be honest please. Brutal doesn't scare me. Don't pull punches if you think it is crap.

Where did it go? When did I lose it?
It isn’t like it is a watch or a ring or a wallet and I could go “…it went missing somewhere between the bar and the store”.
But still I want to know when my innocence was lost.
At what point in my life was I no longer innocent. At what point did I seriously start to lose it?
Was it sitting in the front seat of a car hoping that the next cinderblock thrown at it wasn’t going to come crashing through the windshield?
The long nights lying awake hearing the violent sounds of flesh striking flesh? Laying awake and listening to the drunken voices that incited violence? Year after year day after day the same scenario, laying awake waiting for the fireworks to begin, wondering if they would begin.
Was it when I realized that I could not protect the one I loved? The last time I tried I almost got fucking brained with a fire poker.
Or was it when I realized that the one I loved was as much responsible for my hell as anyone else. Realizing that I was going to have to survive this on my own if I wanted to get out of it alive.

Or was it that night on my living room floor when I thought I found the love of my life? The 15 seconds of bliss followed by 2 years of on again off again hell.
The touching, kissing, sucking, pulling, biting, scratching and sweet release. The look in her eyes, the warm feel of her body, the loving caress? Was it the 2 years of a purely carnal relationship?

Was it when I thought I met the 2nd love of my life and all I had really met was the person that would teach me how to let go. To not take things so seriously. To fuck and run.

When was it lost?
I think it was sooner.
Fucking television.
I fucking sick. Bone tired. Been a slave to the grind for far to long. It gets to you. Grinds you down slowly like a mill stone grinding, and grinding. Ground away the skin. Ground away the nerves. Grinding away the meat. Gone numb to the pain of the slow grind. Day after day. The same thing over and over again. Like living in groundhogs day. The only difference in the day to day is who is going to fuck you and how. Play their games. The dog and pony show. If you excel at it then the grind comes quicker. Here you can handle this and this and this too. claw your way to the top and find that it wasn't the top.... that there has been more and more shit heaped on. It is a never ending cycle of giving you more than you can handle, letting you chew your way through it, let you think you are almost caught up almost have room to breath and then BAM here is some more. We can't have you not busy. Got to keep developing your self. And by the time you stop and take a look at what you have "developed" into you don't even recognize your self. Some like the change. Some thrive on it. Maybe they are stronger. All I know is I am sick of what I have become. "the me that you know doesn't come around much that part of me isn't here anymore.....that me that you know used to have feelings but the blood has stopped pumping and he's left to decay"(1) That about sums it up. My life in my own private hell. My own choice and my own design. Maybe I'm just bitter. Maybe I should just suck it up. be a fucking man. What ever that means. I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

1 "The Becomming" nine inch nails: the downward spiral


Banned - What an Asshat!
The last paragraph of your first post was frelling awsome, but nothing else follows that scheme, there are too many breaks in the flow by question marks, and that makes it harder to read. I would restructure, drop the ? everywhere, and make them into harder sentances. That would improve the flow.