Hello fellow cereal gourmets, I'm better than you. (it's true) Today we will be reviewing a few of our favorite morning foods, and rating them based on their taste, mascots, and other various factors. For the less experienced corn/wheat and lactose consumers among us, this may serve as a guide as to what exactly to buy when breaking the fast.
Let's begin, shall we?
Apple Jacks- How much can one cereal truly suck? Apple Jacks presses on into the outward boundaries of reality every day with this question. They are proud of the fact that they don't taste like apples, it is their catchy stylish slogan. Only people who are "in" can enjoy Apple Jacks I suppose. I can only guess that since they don't taste like apple, they taste like Jack.
Kids... it's not a secret club. It's not the People's Cereal of the Revolution. You little jackasses didn't come up with this. An old fat bald man in a suit did, when he found out the chefs making the product were all blind, dirty, piss stained were-llamas.
If you enjoy this cereal... you're a fucking idiot.
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Lucky Charms- Here we go, now we're moving a step up. While the actual cereal tastes something like cardboard that's been rained on, it has Marshamallows. I'm pretty sure it's the innovator or something of this grand technique. Magically delicious. Not the best though. And I have my critiques.
Mostly... this Leprechaun, he has magic. And the kids always want to steal his cereal. Why the fuck are you running and jumping through amusement parks and tree houses, dumbfuck? Melt their eyeballs. Incinierate their flesh. Turn them into fucking marshmallows and eat them. Pussy.
Not a bad cereal. Leprechauns are jackasses though.
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Trix- An average fruity cereal. But that's not what I'm here to talk about. We're back to those goddamn little kids.
Why are children so demonic and evil? For years this has been going on, can't they tell how bad that fucking rabbit wants some cereal? What's their problem? What's the companies problem? He pimps their product for years and years, and he can't even taste it? That's bullshit. If I was the rabbit, some kids would be dead. Even if he doesn't know how to use magic like Lucky, he has opposable thumbs. Pick up a knife.
If you like this cereal, support the cause and stab some children in the face.
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Peanutbutter Captain Crunch- Be still my beating heart. This is truly a king among cereals. It's made of goddamn delicious. And the Cap'n is a hippie drug dealer, and I'm alright with that. He brings me delicious cereal for the munchies afterwards.
Can't you tell? Every time his chubby handle-bar mustached butt shows up, the world turns into an acid trip. Holy shit kids, you're cartoons! Enjoy the trip, while you're turned into marshmallows... and stabbed in your marshy faces. Bitches.
Stay the fuck away, this is my cereal.
That's all for today. Maybe more soon. Keep on Snap, Crackle, Popping.
Let's begin, shall we?
Apple Jacks- How much can one cereal truly suck? Apple Jacks presses on into the outward boundaries of reality every day with this question. They are proud of the fact that they don't taste like apples, it is their catchy stylish slogan. Only people who are "in" can enjoy Apple Jacks I suppose. I can only guess that since they don't taste like apple, they taste like Jack.
Kids... it's not a secret club. It's not the People's Cereal of the Revolution. You little jackasses didn't come up with this. An old fat bald man in a suit did, when he found out the chefs making the product were all blind, dirty, piss stained were-llamas.
If you enjoy this cereal... you're a fucking idiot.
------
Lucky Charms- Here we go, now we're moving a step up. While the actual cereal tastes something like cardboard that's been rained on, it has Marshamallows. I'm pretty sure it's the innovator or something of this grand technique. Magically delicious. Not the best though. And I have my critiques.
Mostly... this Leprechaun, he has magic. And the kids always want to steal his cereal. Why the fuck are you running and jumping through amusement parks and tree houses, dumbfuck? Melt their eyeballs. Incinierate their flesh. Turn them into fucking marshmallows and eat them. Pussy.
Not a bad cereal. Leprechauns are jackasses though.
-------
Trix- An average fruity cereal. But that's not what I'm here to talk about. We're back to those goddamn little kids.
Why are children so demonic and evil? For years this has been going on, can't they tell how bad that fucking rabbit wants some cereal? What's their problem? What's the companies problem? He pimps their product for years and years, and he can't even taste it? That's bullshit. If I was the rabbit, some kids would be dead. Even if he doesn't know how to use magic like Lucky, he has opposable thumbs. Pick up a knife.
If you like this cereal, support the cause and stab some children in the face.
-------
Peanutbutter Captain Crunch- Be still my beating heart. This is truly a king among cereals. It's made of goddamn delicious. And the Cap'n is a hippie drug dealer, and I'm alright with that. He brings me delicious cereal for the munchies afterwards.
Can't you tell? Every time his chubby handle-bar mustached butt shows up, the world turns into an acid trip. Holy shit kids, you're cartoons! Enjoy the trip, while you're turned into marshmallows... and stabbed in your marshy faces. Bitches.
Stay the fuck away, this is my cereal.
That's all for today. Maybe more soon. Keep on Snap, Crackle, Popping.
y)
