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The Death Of A Family

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A family decided to go to their secluded cabin in the forests of California in July of 1996. The mother's name was Maria, the father's Chris. The daughter's name was Jill. "We're going to have a great time here aren't we Jill?"Asked Maria. "We sure are Mommy!"Jane joyfully answered. The cabin was twenty miles away from any civilization. "We better get in before it rains,"said Chris. Earlier that day the channel five meteroligist predicted heavy rain fall in that area. As they approached the door there was a rustling in the bushes to their right. "Daddy what's that?" Chris realized the girl was frightened. "I'll check it out,"Chris responded. "Be carefull out there honey." "It's nothing to worry about just a dog!"Chris told them. "Well let's just get inside,"Said Maria. "Alright hold on." Chris fished the key out of his pocket. "Here it is." As they were unpacking Jill saw that dog outside waiting in the bushes. Jill decided against telling her parents for Chris was known to lose his temper, and he had been annoyed by the rain. "Can we listen to The Doors honey?"Asked Maria. "Yes, but I left it in the car Jill could you go get the CD for Daddy?" "Sure Daddy!"exclaimed Jill. "Well you better bring this flashlight it's dark out there,"Said Maria. "Okay." As Jill went to the car she could see her parents watchng the T.V. Jill didn't hear the dog coming but she felt it bite her leg and bring her crashing to the gravel driveway. Jill tried to scream but she couldn't all she could do was let out little gasps of air. As the dog dragged her into the forest she thought of everything she would miss and statred kicking the dog.

Her kicks only angered the dog. Jill felt the dog let go, she thought she was safe. In the distance she could hear "The End" playing on her parent's stereo. "Why won't they help me?" She thought. As the dog let go of her leg she rolled over so her back was on the dirt below. Jill's face was a bloody mess because it was draggd across the gravel. She felt the dog's teeth sink into her neck. She also felt the warm blood gush down her neck as the dog bit. At that moment Jill knew what the song "The End" was about. Then she thought no more.

"Go see where Jill is I'm worried."Said Maria. "Alright."Said Chris. When Chris shut the door behind him terror struck him. He could see the bloody trail left by Jill's ripped and cut open face. He could also hear the smacking and slurping noises the dog made while it ate his dear daughter. "Oh my god."Chris muttered. He went towards the bloody path and stopped he realized the dog wasn't the only threat to him and his family. A man in a dark coat was holding an axe. Chris tried to move but he was frozen in place by terror. As the man approached he lifted the axe. Chris could hear Jim Morrison singing "The End". As Chris opened his mouth to scream the axe made it's way to his skull. Blood splattered every where. "That's for taking my wife you son of a bitch."Said the man in the dark coat. "I see your daughter met my dog you mother fucker."He said to Chris' dead body.

Maria was reading a book when she heard the door open. "Chris you're back did you find Jill?" As Maria turned around she knew who was in her house. "Floyd what are you doing?" She stopped when she saw the bloody axe. With the door open she could hear the dog feasting upon her daughter. "I've come for you Maria." "You bastard you killed my family!" "I did not kill your daughter my dog did that." Floyd laughed an insane, murderous laugh. "I will be your avenging angel Maria. You shall pay." As he lifted the axe she wished she hadn't made Chris dispose of all his guns. With one swift slice Maria's legs were detached. She screamed, he laughed. "What a shame I always thought you had good legs. Oh well time to die honey." He then thrust the axe between her breasts. Maria thought of her family then she thought no more.
 

Captain 151

Seeped in a dry Merlot
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#3
I hate the FCC said:
The mother's name was Maria, the father's Chris. The daughter's name was Jill. "We're going to have a great time here aren't we Jill?"Asked Maria. "We sure are Mommy!"Jane joyfully answered.
I found this most disturbing of all!!

In all seriousness, I liked this story, mostly because you didn't waste any time in getting to where you were going. The only critique i can make of it is I was confused of the daughters age. She spoke as though she was no older than 6. She acted and thought much older than that.

Otherwise, entertaining.
 
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Bullshyt said:
VERY disturbing story.
:D Did you like it? I was going to work a lttle more on Floyd but it's a short story so what the hell. Sorry about the Jill/Jane thing. The daughter was supposed to be a 5 year old that's very smart.
 

_Kitana_

Angel of Death
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#6
Again...

So I don't know. There are some GREAT LINES...

Maria thought of her family then she thought no more
but look it how you open up.

A family decided to go to their secluded cabin in the forests of California in July of 1996. The mother's name was Maria, the father's Chris. The daughter's name was Jill.
Its not even a story. It is giving no setting what so ever.

I would of wrote it something like;

Chirs, his wife Maria and their daughter Jill, were heading to their annual summer cabin in July of 1996. It was an ordinary trip for the small family and one they often looked forwarded too.

I mean you just kind of tossed everything together. This sounds more like notes for a story then an actual story. you have to give some context to the story. Like they are in a car and now worried about being caught outside in the rain and then at a cabain. Yes common sense tells us these things but the reader should have to read the story to see it unfold not guesse. This is where description and context come into play. Also not the bottom line:

"We better get in before it rains,"said Chris. Earlier that day the channel five meteroligist predicted heavy rain fall in that area

Another way to write this line,

They pulled into the driveway of the cabin and begin to unload their stuff. It was quite apparent that a heavy storm was brewing and the meteorologist had been predicting rain all week.

“We better get in before it rains,” Chris hollered at his wife as he stared at the looming dark clouds.

Also when a char speaks you need to break it up into a new paragraph it makes it much more pleasent for the reader to read.

Your story and idea was not bad. Your chars lacked some detail and were pretty generic.

not to bad. I know i seem harsh but I am really hoping that you keep writting. You have som great lines and ideas here. You just need a bit more pratice is all.
 
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_Kitana_ said:
There are some GREAT LINES...



I mean you just kind of tossed everything together. This sounds more like notes for a story then an actual story. you have to give some context to the story. Like they are in a car and now worried about being caught outside in the rain and then at a cabain. Yes common sense tells us these things but the reader should have to read the story to see it unfold not guesse. This is where description and context come into play. Also not the bottom line:




Also when a char speaks you need to break it up into a new paragraph it makes it much more pleasent for the reader to read.

Your story and idea was not bad. Your chars lacked some detail and were pretty generic.

not to bad. I know i seem harsh but I am really hoping that you keep writting. You have som great lines and ideas here. You just need a bit more pratice is all.
These stories are just practice. I've got much better ideas (even more disturbing than this one!). About my characters being generic, they won't be used in my new story. You see I made this story to see what you all think, and help me with putting it together. Now I know what and what not to do when I make my new story. But that won't be until a little while, for you see I have what you might call Writer's Block. :thumbsdn: But when I break free of this damned block you will see a great story.
 

_Kitana_

Angel of Death
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#8
I hate the FCC said:
These stories are just practice. I've got much better ideas (even more disturbing than this one!). About my characters being generic, they won't be used in my new story. You see I made this story to see what you all think, and help me with putting it together. Now I know what and what not to do when I make my new story. But that won't be until a little while, for you see I have what you might call Writer's Block. :thumbsdn: But when I break free of this damned block you will see a great story.
Your stories are not a complete waste. I think your problem is your trying to make them to disturbing and shock factor and not giving enough time nor thought into the smaller details that make a great story.

Such as How did that summer air feel when the storm was coming? What did the nosie in the bushes sound like? How old was the little girl and how tragic did she look when she died? Those are what make a story great. You know in pet cemetary when he described the way the cat looked and how clumbsy it was and the way it smelled of rotting soil. Thats what gave it that truly eerie feeling. Now think if he wrote it like; The cat fell off the shelf. The cats name was paws. Paws had a werid order.
 

I Hate The FCC

Homo est Deus
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#10
_Kitana_ said:
I think your problem is your trying to make them to disturbing and shock factor and not giving enough time nor thought into the smaller details that make a great story.
:rolleyes: No I didn't just do that for the shock factor. About not concentrating on the small parts, that can be explained. For I (at the time) was furious with two people that shall go unnamed and I made Chris, Maria, and Jill to represent them. So I had them killed (In the story I mean). :D

When I had Chris and Maria killed the axe they were killed with was my anger. When Floyd said that Chris took his girl or whatever I had him say that is a hint of why I was furious at the two that were the inspiration for Chris and Maria. And about this being a trial story.
 

Easty

Click click boom
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#11
disturbing and gave me a good laugh. just kidding, freaky shit