The FIRST ever addition of DRUNK UNCLE REFLUX


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The FIRST ever eddition of DRUNK UNCLE REFLUX

Drunk Uncle Reflux: BEER! My Anti-drug

- Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.'
Jack Handey

Ouch! My head hurts. I can’t really think all to clear. I’ve got no motivation to finish my work. Every noise is amplified. Why, oh why do I do this to myself? It took me like fifteen minutes to make it to my bathroom and I’m pretty sure that’s now a danger zone. That’s right… ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls; It’s hangover time! YAY! (Shit man, not so loud)
So, I’m sitting around my room, only wishing that there was a way to kick start my liver, settle my stomach and clear my head. Caffeine will help, I think. If I just can get some stimulants in me I’ll be fine. Maybe some food too that would be nice.
I feel like shit, but at least I did it legally. I violated no laws in the damaging of my body. I drank beer purchased at a legal distributor, not some old guys basement. When that ran out, I went to a bar and used my government issued driver’s licence to gain legal entry. At the end of the night I had a sober driver drive me home. Aren’t you proud.? Of course you are… unless you don’t drink. There are some people out there that think I really shouldn’t have done that. They’re probably right.
So, why all this banter? Who really cares about my drinking and my hangover? Well, I do. But not for the reasons you might think. It’s times like this I remember the late, great profit, one Mr. Bill Hicks. I’m gonna tell you something kids. It might shock you… I was doing drugs last night.
“Shit, Reflux. You can’t say that openly. The cops will come get you.”
How wrong you are. You know why boys and girls? I was doing legal drugs… TAXABLE drugs. While I was out doing irreparable damage to my liver and brain cells some lawless son of a motherless goat was stimulating his brain in ways it was designed to accept. While all the smokers went out for their cancer fix in the freezing cold, some stupid ass was expanding her sense of reality in her warm basement. Christ, with all these horrible lawbreakers out there, it’s hard for us good citizens to get by. Beer just doesn’t seem so good anymore.
No, I’m not saying drugs are good and I’m definitely not saying that they are not dangerous. They are very dangerous. You can do some serious physical and psychological damage to yourself if you decide to use drugs. Yes, some drugs are more dangerous then others. However, our LEGAL drugs cause more damage then some of the ones that our outlawed. There are more drinking related deaths per year then any other drug. Drunk people are more violent and dangerous. Really, when was the last time you saw someone who was high get into a fight? Come on now, that would require too much effort.
The most important thing to do is be informed. Some drugs are legal, some drugs are not. They are all bad for you in improper doses. For some an improper dose is any at all. It’s up to you what is done to your body. So, do your research. Know what you are going to do to yourself when you decide to use drugs. Just remember that this applies to ALL drugs, not just the ones that you can’t buy in stores.
As for me, I’m off to get some Tylenol, God damn my head hurts….