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The Jokes Thread

Jason

Voorhees a jolly good fellow!
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#1
Carrying on from the older joke thread, let's go...

One day Little Johnny is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asks.

Little Johnny replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."

"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.

Little Johnny shouts back, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat!"
 

Jason

Voorhees a jolly good fellow!
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#2
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face, with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
 

Jason

Voorhees a jolly good fellow!
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#3
A guy goes to the doctor.

He says, "Doc, I have a problem."

"I wake up first thing in the morning, and first thing I do is screw my wife. After my wife leaves for work, my girlfriend comes over and I screw her. After that, I leave for work and pick up my neighbor's wife. While we're on the way to work, she gives me a blow job. Once I get to the office, I screw my secretary in the ass, 'cause that's how she likes it. When I get home, I give it to the wife one more time. Then I go to sleep, and wake up the next day and do it all over again."

The doctor asks, "Well, what seems to be the problem?"

The guy replies, "Doc, it hurts when I jack off."
 

CoprophagousCop

¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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#4
I found these limericks posted by Todd Taliaferro in the comments on YouTube:


McMaster has sealed his own fate
By bad-mouthing Donald's soul mate
Though his words were true
Trump gave him the screw
To help make America great

Trump's secret is Putin's paid trolls
Their propaganda fooled the polls
With Trump's sneaky lies
They tricked the unwise
Who still choose to act like assholes

Without a moment's apprehension
Trump screwed McCabe out of his pension
He never gets tired
Of saying "you're fired"
Or increasing national tension

Said Donald, "I just had to try it"
So Stormy got paid to be quiet
Republicans blamed her
Evangelists shamed her
Trump did what he does -- he denied it

Controlling guns seems a lost cause
The NRA writes its own laws
Trump plans to do naught
'Cause his ass is bought
It's an endless parade of last straws

Of Putin no ill has Trump spoken
Such words anyway would be token
As Trump's critics know
His bluster's for show
Vlad's end would leave Donnie heartbroken

What sort of man needs a parade?
Is this moron in the fourth grade?
His hour of fun
Will cost US a ton
It won't be his money that's paid

An ass-kissing Fox shill named Hannity
Takes pleasure in stroking Trump's vanity
His audience buys
Each one of Trump's lies
Thus perpetuating insanity

Not clapping for Trump is now treason
A big deal to him for some reason
He's so full of crap
Why bother to clap?
With luck he'll be gone by next season

Republicans say we're unfair
For laughing at Donald Trump's hair
That orange cotton candy
He thinks looks so dandy
Came straight from the New York State Fair

"What sanctions?" Trump asked insincerely
"The Russians are our allies, clearly
Obama's just jealous
Of me and the fellas
'Cause we love the Motherland dearly"

Now that the memo's released
And all of the screaming has ceased
Those four little pages
That seemed so outrageous
Have gone from "the worst" to "the least."

Melania hated her life
She didn't like being Trump's wife
To deal with the man
She thought up a plan
Involving scotch, roofies and a knife

While styling his coiffure last May
Trump wondered if he might be gay
So he stuck his thumb
Deep into his bum
And there it remains to this day

Trump met a young girl named Melania
They went out to dine on lasagna
He plied her with liquor
And told her, "Eat quicker,
By seven I plan to be on ya"

One evening while roaming the White House
Trump wondered if he had the right house
Melania said "Hey,
If I had my way
We'd live in an Uglegorsk lighthouse"

"My daughter is gorgeous" Trump said
"I can't get her out of my head
That tight, sexy body -
God damn, she's a hottie!
And one day I'll get her in bed"

While driving his daughter to school
Trump farted and felt like a fool
Ivanka said "Dad,
It really is bad
I'll just walk from here if that's cool"

What's up with Sean Hannity's hair?
Did he mean to put his part there?
The way that it's cut
It looks like a butt
I bet little kids point and stare

Some leaders like to educate
While others just pontificate
But ol' Trump is sly
And I'll tell you why
His secret is to obfuscate

Our president promised a wall
The neighbors would pay for it all
But when it came time
To show us the dime
All Trumpy boy did was just stall

A well-to-do nitwit named Trump
Was a liar, a thief and a chump
He said "Yes I'm rich,
The son of a bitch,
My real name's actually Drumpf

Keebler Elf Jeffrey Sessions
Had style that just begged bad impressions
In courtroom confusion
He copped to collusion
Which led to more heartfelt confessions

There once was a VP named Pence
Whose passion for God was intense
He called his wife "Mother"
Had eyes for no other
And lacked but one thing: common sense

A filthy rich fat guy named Trump
Saw his pageant beginning to slump
His beauty queen cried
Trump took it in stride
And canned her when she became plump

Trump likes to watch hookers go pee pee
The sparkle and warmth thrills him deeply
Some may think it's funny
To pee pee for money
But most people think it's just creepy

Stress made Devin Nunes get sick
Trump told him, "This should do the trick"
"Hey wait," Devin cried
"That's pure cyanide!"
"Don't worry," Trump said, "It works quick."

"Those bastards have me in a fix,"
Trump whined, "Democrats are all dicks
I'm useless, they say
'Cause I sleep all day
Please move your hand faster, Ms Hicks"

Trump's ass was in trouble, no doubt
He prayed to his god "Help me out"
But Trump's god is money
(and this part is funny)
It turns out that cash has no clout

Republican voters must wonder
What sort of a spell are they under?
Fox News says Trump's cool
But he's Putin's tool
Should we have to pay for their blunder?

When Trump was a boy his dad knew
He'd grow up to be a prick, too
Dad said "Cheat your vendors,
Don't pay back your lenders
And know that all women want you"

One morning while thinking up lies
Trump got an unpleasant surprise
The ones he deceived
No longer believed
They told him "We hate long goodbyes"

Nunes cried wolf once too often
With lies even Trump couldn't soften
So what's Devin worth
While in Leavenworth?
Substantially less in his coffin

American presidents vary
This new one's a little bit scary
He lies like a rug
And steals like a thug
You think he's dishonest? Yes, very.

The world thinks we're wimpy," Trump claims
"We need yuuuge parades and war games
The world's gotta see
We're tough, just like me
Now please finish wiping me, James"

We can't keep on going this way
Our plight seems more desperate each day
I think we all know
That Trump's got to go
There's just no time left to delay

Because he was honest and wise,
George Washington never told lies
But now Trump's the guy
And his lies are why
All over the world he's despised

Trump's doc says he's fit as a fiddle
But I think he's fudging a little
No doc talks like that
Plus Trump's crazy fat
Too fat for a framework that brittle

All of the president's men
Run out of mean tricks now and then
Trump chides them, "You jerks,
Just go with what works:
Investigate Clinton again!"

Trump's mindless supporters don't know
Their hero's tough act's just for show
He not only cries
When critics crack wise,
He pouts when his way things don't go.

The closer we get to the facts
The more freakin' guilty Trump acts
He thinks we're all dumb
And under his thumb
I hope that I'm there when he cracks

Trump tries to pretend he's not nuts
His clan plays along for tax cuts
And Putin's web trolls
Still act like assholes
From a distance (cuz they got no guts)

Trump's guilty of serious crimes
A fact that's been proved many times
His fans are insistent:
It's all non-existent
"Fake news" as one voice the mob chimes

Trump just can't be bothered with laws
He scoffs the Emoluments Clause
Though most folks suspect him
The brain dead protect him
At most we've got probable cause

Kim Jong Un and Trump should be friends
Upon them our future depends
They both have weird hair
But clearly don't care
They're focussed on how the world ends
 

Crazizniac

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#5
Polish lady walks in to her doctors office with a bed pan sloshing overfull and asks if it’s enough for her urine sample. The nurse asks her if she walked all the way there with it and she replies, “Of course not, I rode the bus!”
 

Jason

Voorhees a jolly good fellow!
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#6
The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, “Things are great, and I’ve never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?”

The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story.

“I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.”

“As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he left his gun at home, and so, he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle, and yelled ‘bang bang’. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell dead.”

“Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old replied, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a few rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
 

CoprophagousCop

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#7
^ My great, great grandfather became a father at the age of 75. He then went on to father four more children. Don't tell me he is not really my great, great grandfather!

On a side note, who cares if the 86-year-old got his 20-year-old bride pregnant. Being lucky enough to try is what matters.
 

feenix

Flame Bait
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#8
A little old lady goes to a new doctor for the first time. As the doctor is reviewing her current medications, he comes across one that strikes him as odd.

"Ma'am, it says here you're currently prescribed birth control pills?"

"Yes, that's correct."

"You're over 80, surely you've been through menopause?"

"Of course, doc, but they help me sleep at night."

The doctor is seriously dumbfounded at this point. "Ma'am, there's nothing in the composition of this drug that could possibly help you sleep better."

The old lady chuckles. "Sure they do! I take one pill each morning, crush it up, and mix it into my 16-year-old granddaughter's orange juice. Trust me doc, they help me sleep at night."
 

-=iNsANe=-ADJ

I once ate broccoli
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#9
I apologize in advance.



Do you know the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.