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The silent observer

RetArt

A Rampant Vagitarian
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#1
Again, I am sorry for the possible mistakes in the language. I did this to test my english skills, and also to share a story. Enjoy

I, once again, look at this little pale boy from the ceiling. He sits in the middle of the room, on a red carpet, slowly rocking to and fro. His eyes staring inside lost in his own mind, not able to move. I can sense his anxiety, depression, the wait. Suddenly he moves, picks up a pen and starts drawing. This boy is good at drawing, almost as good as me, but now there is something different in his actions. He draws as in a rage, his whole body shakes as he adds lines and shapes to his notebook. I can not clearly see what is to come of his creation. Then, without a warning, he stops. Yet again he starts rocking. To - and - fro. My observations are intervened by the sound of a key turning in a lock. The door slowly slides open and the boy freezes to a halt. No rocking, no sound, just that inwards stare. The person who entered is a man. Average-sized, bald and slightly drunk. A person I know so very well, my father. He shouts my name twice and I try to answer, but he does not seem to hear me. He hits the boy on the cheek and repeats my name. I scream as loud as I can, but again, no response. He grabs the boy from the hair and drags him out, his slightly wet pants making a weird sound on the floor wood, leaving behind a wet line of urea. They leave the room, father locks the door, and I am all alone, up here, in the ceiling. I move myself to the floor, beside the puddle, and notice the drawing that the little boy left behind. I stare at it for a while. It is a picture of a big black bald character digging a hole into the icy ground of the October. Beside him lays that little boy, motionless and pale. On the upper right side of the drawing is another character. The same boy, pale and afraid, watching and silently smiling.
 

dustinzgirl

Banned - What an Asshat!
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#2
I like it. I think your English is fine.....you do use the word boy a lot though, I would try to use other words besides "boy" like describing them. For instance, you could say, "the pale one" and "the darker child" or something to that effect. But, great idea, great imagery, and again, fine english.
 
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#3
I thought I spotted a run on or two, but I'm not one to talk about grammar proficiancy. Would I ruin your day if I told you I found it predictable? By the way, whenever I write, I always have a window with the online thesaurus on hand, in case I find myself using repitition.
 

RetArt

A Rampant Vagitarian
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#4
I used the word "boy" so often, because I wanted to keep the kid distant, not spesified too much. Using the some word to describe him was in my opinion a way to keep the feeling "cold".. I dont know..

Oh, and by the way.. This took about fifteen minutes and was made on a basis of a rap-lyric I had to do for a "rap-lyric/poem-competition" in high school. . :)

It can be seen more as a practice-run for my english, not as a finished piece of literature :)