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UberSkippy Present: Chlorine for the Gene Pool

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UberSkippy

a.k.a. FuckTheBullShit
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This was something I started quite a few years ago. But every so often I think about it. For some reason it seems fitting for this site. Obviously I'm putting this in B&T so we can have ourselves a little free for all. It could go in Brain Droppings... but this is more fun. If people like it, I'll do more. (Because fuck all if I don't have about 30 of these things floating around.)

Chlorine for the Gene Pool.

Introduction:

Before you start reading this, understand that I don't like people. You will see lots of references to hippies. You will the phraze "fuck you" used a lot. Actually you will see the word "fuck" used all the damn time. You will also be told to "get over it" a lot. I don't care what you think. Unless I do care but that's only a very limited few people in the world. If you're not absolutely sure you're not one of those people, rest assured, I don't care. Fuck you. Get over it.

Chapter 1. When I Rule the World.

My penultimate goal in life is to rule the world. My ultimate goal is to die with a hard-on but that's beside the point at the moment. Back to me, the world, and ruling. I will rule the world one day, and when I do, things will change. The state of things right now is just plain fucked.

I will be a very even handed ruler. What I say goes. If you don't like it, get the fuck off my planet you damn hippy. This is MY planet. That's what the title Ruler of the World means. It's MINE. All of it. This isn't a fucking democracy anymore. So if you can't handle my rules you shall be labeled Hippy and treated as such. (See the section on Hippies.)

Hippies:

Hippies suck. I hate hippies. Hippies go to Hell. If you piss me off you will be labeled as a Hippy. If you break my rules you'll probably be labeled as a Hippy. Hippies shall be shunned and eventually deported. I don't know where you'll go but more importantly, I don't give a damn. Your Hippy ass will be strapped to a rocket, you'll be given a Quarter Pounder with Cheese (buy stock in McDonald's now!) and you'll be launched into the farthest reaches of I still don't give a good God damn. If you're a vegetarian, fuck you, you think you're better than that dead cow? I guess you'll just starve on that rocket ride. That or we'll take bets on how long you hold out before you chow down on that meat burger.

Breeder's License:

This is the thing that says you can have a kid, how many kids you may have and who you may have them with. You MUST have a breeder's license to have kids. That means WITH the person you are licensed to breed with. There will be no fucking All Access Breeding Passes. I don't care who you screw. Just don't start popping out carpet monsters withtout the necessary permits. If you DO slop out a kid without the permits you will be fined one half of your current annual salary and the kid will be taken away from you and given to someone who had the permits but couldn't do the deed.

You and your partner will have to pass genetic screening and intelligence tests in order to breed. If you're not smart enough to have kids, you get none. If you're not healthy enough to have kids, you get none. Fuck you, we're trying to cull the damned gene pool. Do your part by being sterilized early.

Children:

You are responsible for your kids. That means no leaving them in hot cars in the summer. That means you feed the little bastards. If they don't eat, YOU don't eat. If they do something wrong, you're going down for it unless they're old enough. If they break it, you bought it. It's easy. You wanted them, you have them, now deal with it.

You may punish your kids as you see fit. Remember, you're responsible for their actions so slapping them around a bit to let them know who's boss is probably a good idea. If you beat on them too much the department of Enforcing My Rules will send someone out to investigate. (See the section on investigation.)

Custody will be taken care of the easy way. If there is only one kid you will each be given $100 and 24 hours in Vegas. Whoever has the most money at the end of the 24 hours is obviously the most fit parent and that person gets custody. If you can hire a hitman for $100 you get custody so long as you don't get caught. In the event that there are 2 kids and you split up, dad gets the male child or the oldest kid in the event they're both males. Mom gets the daughter or the youngest kid in case they're both female. If either parrent wants to give up custody that's cool too.

Permits for more than 2 kids will NOT be given. Twins, tripplets and quadruplets count as 1 kid in both permit and custody issues. You will have to have your permit modified to show that you had multiple kids in one shot. This DOES eliminate the possibility of further kid permits being issued however. If you happen to have more than 4 kids in one shot, you can only keep 4, pick your favorites and the rest will be taken by my state and doled out to fitting parents. If you can't pick, we'll be happy to do it for you. We're trying to stop this octuplet bullshit. I'm tired of the coverage CNN gives it.

If you hook up with someone who already has 1 kid and you want kids of your own, your partner already has one kid so you will ONLY qualify for 1 more. If you split up after that, your partner keeps his/her first kid, and you get to keep the other one you two had together. It's only fair. You can then hookup with someone who does not have kids and be qualified to have one more kid. (You still have yours.) Then if you splitup, you keep your fist kid, your new partner keeps the secondkid (their first kid). If you both already had kids when you hooked up you werne't supposed to have any more, give me half your anual sallaries and pick which one the state takes away from you. (Don't think you're giving us the problem kid or the sicko either.) You will not be allowed to hookup with someone who already has 2 kids if you have any kids of your own. It's simple. Fuck you.

If you accidentally get pregnant or get someone else pregnant I guess you just learned what the word "rubber" means didn't you dumbass? You may apply for a quick Oops abortion. You will have to pay for this. If your name keeps appearing on the Oops form you'll be fixed because we don't need to keep going through this and pissing all the Hippies off now do we?

Marriage:

You do not have to be married to qualify for a breeder license. It helps though. The longer you've been married the more likely you will be given your breeder's license. You will be allowed a total of TWO divorces. That means after your second divorce you had damn well better be sure about that third marriage because the only way out is a rocket ride to wherever the fuck we point that sonofabitch.

Wellfare:

Fuck you, you want money, get a job. If you're disabled or something we can work something out. But there's not going to be any of this sitting on your fat ass doing nothing and collectin a check for it. The only people who are going to get paid for doing nothing are hookers and then they probably won't get paid very much.

Religion:

Religious freedom will be tolerated. The separation of Church and State will be observed. That means that the new rule by me will not promote any one religion over any of the others. Religious institutions will NOT be allowed to operate on public campuses. NO FUCKING EXCEPTIONS. Going to seminary or other religious studies off of school grounds does NOT FUCKING count for highschool classes. That bullshit stops now. The public education system is paying for you to go to SCHOOL. Not to walk accross the street and get some half baked ideas from a Bible Thumper.

Separation of Church and State means that the Churches will abide by the law. If not the church will be separated by the state Arson Squad and burnt to the fucking ground. What you people do behing your closed doors is your business. But it WILL not influence the government.

Darwinism is nature's law. All of nature's laws are now man's law too. That means all of the schools will be teaching evolution. If you don't like it, you're a religious Bible Thumper, fuck you, sit down and shutup or you'll be labled Hippy.

Going door to door to preach/teach/convert/or talk to people about religion is illegal. Passing out those little Bible things is illegal. Hanging religious shit on other people's doors is illegal. If you do any of these things you will not be labled as a Hippy. You will be shot. You are interfering with other people's privacy and right to religious freedom. Fuck you.

If you think your religious beliefs are right stop and ask yourself "Are you me?" If you are not me, you don't have the right to tell other people what to think. Go ahead, try it, see how well I take to competition mother fucker. I'll nuke your whole damn family. I can do that, I rule the world. Fuck you. Get over it.

More later....
 

meh_it_all

WTF.com Sexy Pimp-ette.
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God, Uber that made me fuckin' laugh. :rofl:
Especially the bit about going to vegas to get custody.
 

OmegaZeto

Eyeless Pilot
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Haha, I love it! This is some seriously funny shit, man.
 

leehype

drunk with a jeep problem
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UberSkippy said:
Chapter 1. When I Rule the World.

My penultimate goal in life is to rule the world.
So... I have competition...
 

Nailbomb

I'm just really nice.
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UberSkippy said:
We're trying to stop this octuplet bullshit. I'm tired of the coverage CNN gives it.
:thumbsup:
 

Outlawed

Postaholic
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I agree 110% with everything said there.
 

OmegaZeto

Eyeless Pilot
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Skippy, congrats on having one of the few BnT threads not shat all over by morons.
 

Tostig

Paradoxasaur
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the same thing we do every night, try to take over the world!


but i'm going to use flying robot monkeys to take over the world, then i'll divvy it all up so everyone has their own piece. Then i'll make everyone give me a dollar to buy that piece from me, and i'll use the money to build a huge house on my piece.
 
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#9
i don't like other people trying to take over my world, so stop breathing my air uber.
for custody of the kids, i don't really want it, so their dad can go to vegas and claim them, if he has any questions or needs papers signed, he can find me at the bar. :)
 

UberSkippy

a.k.a. FuckTheBullShit
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OmegaZeto said:
Skippy, congrats on having one of the few BnT threads not shat all over by morons.
I think you're underestimating the morons around here.
 

UberSkippy

a.k.a. FuckTheBullShit
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#12
No, I'm just tired of wreckless breeding.

Don't ask questions FCC... or are you a hippy?
 

I Hate The FCC

Homo est Deus
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UberSkippy said:
No, I'm just tired of wreckless breeding.

Don't ask questions FCC... or are you a hippy?
No... not at all! I would never question your absolute rule, Excellency! :happysad:
 
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UberSkippy said:
No, I'm just tired of wreckless breeding.

Don't ask questions FCC... or are you a hippy?
uber its too late for me to take my kids back, or make them go away.............i've tried.:D oh and i lost the receipt for them, so they won't let me return them either. bastards.
i'm a hippie BTW, so can i go to another planet and start my own world? if so.............whoooooooooooooooo's cummin with me?:p
 

UberSkippy

a.k.a. FuckTheBullShit
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Nymphchick said:
uber its too late for me to take my kids back, or make them go away.............i've tried.:D oh and i lost the receipt for them, so they won't let me return them either. bastards.
i'm a hippie BTW, so can i go to another planet and start my own world? if so.............whoooooooooooooooo's cummin with me?:p
Well, if it's any consolation nymph there won't be deadbeat dads under my rule. See, they might think they can get away with it by taking a rocket ride. But that's not how it works. Because they have children they're responsible for they will earn a wage in what I like to call "I fucked my kids up so here I am" employment. 90% of his wage will go directly to you as childsupport.

But no, you can't get fired off the planet until your youngest hits 18. Sorry.
 
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shit, but i thought you said all hippies get sent away......................did you lie to me? i want my own planet, with a harem of my own men to rule. damn it! your no fun uber.
 

UberSkippy

a.k.a. FuckTheBullShit
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Nymphchick said:
shit, but i thought you said all hippies get sent away......................did you lie to me? i want my own planet, with a harem of my own men to rule. damn it! your no fun uber.
No, you missunderstood nymph. You have to be LABLED a hippy to get sent away. ANd there's no word on WHEN you'll be sent away. See fiscal responsability is important, so we'll only fire the rockets when we have enough folks. Till then... well... you can wait in a state facility.

And remember, I never said you'd go to a planet. You'd be lucky to miss the moon to be honest.
 

Tostig

Paradoxasaur
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*gets out his labelling gun, prints out "Hippy" and sticks it to Nymph's forehead*

I love trees, I hug them whenever I see them. And my offspring lives in texas with her mother, but i already pay child support. I do it online, so can i do that from Nymph's planet?
 
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hmmmmm, well i still get my own planet, why? CAUSE I SAID SO! and i'm taking a harem of men with me.
 
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