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Won the genetic lottery but the first place prize was a one-way ticket to my bedroom

K, real talk, which is worse? Living life depressed because you...


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#1
I either got the genetic lottery or I'm a milkman baby because WOO did I get the skip a generation crap down to my core. I have curly hair, neither of my parents have, psoriasis, neither have, horrid near sightedness, my parents are both far sighted and not that bad off, and I have asthma which neither of my parents have. To top it off I have carpal tunnel and a bad ankle (I can't perform a proper squat with feet flat on ground or bend over with my left leg) I'm 6' 2" which sounds nice but it works ever so not in my favor.

To explain how all this screws me over, I'm not that smart, book smart at least for sure. People always tell me "Well you're big and strong so use that" well when you cant move your ankle to run and when you cant hold a metal bar without your wrist locking up you kinda can't maintain any strength. I don't look weak and skinny either, not exactly super overweight, definitely have the body mass, I look muscular but I just dont exercise beyond a walk around the park. Its not so bad with common jobs but all that mixed in with my other crap I could never join any strong armed jobs like the military or construction. So I basically have to lug around this oversized body builder body thats only benefit is reaching the last box of sugar crisps on the top shelf and I can't wrap my head around studying to get me one of dem fancccy co-ll-eg-e jobs. I try my damn hardest at everything I do and when review comes around I'm met with the usual scene.

*Taps paper on counter, looks up, looks down, sighs, and looks up at me*
All around pretty good but you need to move faster, I feel like you are holding yourself back from your true potential because you won't put the effort in.
So yeah sorry no raise/promotion/grade/recommendation for ya this time around but better luck next time.
Than I go home, cry about it, and listen to my old music from the early 2000s at full blast until I fall asleep, been the routine sense 2003 in grade school.

My psoriasis appeared about 2 years ago now and has proven to take its toll. Doctors won't put me on something strong enough to get rid of it and say "Well your insurance requires us to try this before we step it up" I have to switch to something cheaper now to so time to start the process over. Meanwhile I have no energy, no stamina at all, a solid 70% of my body is covered in it, I've developed anxiety and no not the pity me kind, the pure emotion chemical kind, my hands shake so the few things I enjoy like gaming and drawing are difficult as hell. I was improving from my antisocial behavior from high school but find myself suddenly unable to talk to people I care about with the exception of my wife. Going outside to get milk scares me sometimes. I wear a hoodie in 110f to hide my skin mostly but to make me feel comfortable wearing the same thing everyday. I think about the past non-stop and wish I could stop, if I'm not freaking out about something I or someone else did how ever many years ago I'm thinking about when I was 8 or younger and thought none of my issues I have would ever be a thing. I drown my emotion in pure nostalgia of that time.

My latest failure was attempting to move to the city. My wife and I moved in with my mom "temporarily" but we've been here about 2 months past schedule now. We do have a studio on the good side of town lined up for next month. I got a job loading trucks and failed horribly, my body failed on me after about 10 hours of labor. I was foolish enough to keep my hopes up and walk into my managers office and ask for a different position, I was met with a hostile "are you sure this is the job for you?" and I haven't looked back sense. Little did I know the stress would trigger growth from my psoriasis, want to say I was at 40% before the job. I used what little of my motivation was left to search for a job and walk around the neighborhood, a month went by, I lost hope, I ran out of energy, I ran out of money, I stopped talking to family and friends, and the deadline to leave was coming fast.

Not one for religion but bless my wifes soul. I honestly can't understand why she stays with me some days. She was about to go straight lesbian before she met me, she sees someone who she wants to take care of, a housewife is what I've become. I fucking hate myself thinking about how much better she is than me. 3 years I supported us on shit part time labor, never got a raise, never got full time. After those 3 years she gets her first job and gets full time in maybe 3 months, we move and she gets a dollar fifty raise within a couple of months and is already being considered for full time again, they just don't know where to put her yet. Meanwhile I'm rolling around on the ground bitching about how itchy and tired I am and taking a nap around 12 on the dot every day. She single handedly put herself in a position to pay for our tiny ass apartment and take care of me. I don't think she will ever understand how much I owe her and how much I love her.

What I want to do with my life is make something. Anything. Comic, animation, videogame, book, I want to make a story with real characters, ones with real mental problems not this annoying ass "I feel sad all the time" there is a lot more to just depression than that. Display habits, personality traits, and the thought process someone with real issues goes through. Little details as simple as a character ignoring their phone, muttering random things to themselves, and addictions which by the way dont always need to be majorly life crippling. I want people to understand what its like to be scared to exist, not just feel sad or kind of scared sometimes. She is willing to support me through it as long as I show progress. But hey how many artist with anxiety do you know eh? *Quickly closes tumblr*

I just needed to type it out though dude, laugh, call me a snowflake or piss on my dream, I'll laugh sense we won't ever meet in public. Gonna try and sleep now. Thanks for reading. Have a good night all.
 

CoprophagousCop

¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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#4
The word is "since", not "sense".

Also, gehtfuct has one of the best answers for depression. Sense, I mean, since you have a wife, bang her more often. Oh wait. You live with your mother and you have scaly sores on your dick. :(