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Work Snippets

Shurikane

Raging Hermaphrodite
250
0
0
#1
This rant is special! Because it is in quoted form!

All snippets are true, 100% honest to goodness. The joys of what can happen in a book warehouse...

The people:

  • Me
  • The Dispatcher
  • The Boss
  • P, a guy who just finished 10th grade and has an IQ rollercoasting between 50 and 100.
  • C, P's friend. Older, but yet hasn't passed 10th grade. Actually went through 9th grade three times. A useless jackass with an IQ of -50.



#1: Said what?
Me: God, you people are juveniles...
C: What's a juvenile?



#2: But it was in big letters on the book!
Dispatcher: Crap, I need all the boxes with Of Mice And Men in 'em. Check the stickers.
Me: All right, I'll go get them... Where are they?... Hey J, I can't find any-- oh wait, here they are. Jesus. Hey C, remember that for next time: Steinbeck is the name of the AUTHOR.
C: Huh?!



#3: SAT-a-go-go?
C: (something stupid I can't remember)
Me: Jesus, The average IQ of this room has just dropped by 50 points...
C: What's an IQ?



#4: He talks shit!
Dispatcher: OK, how many Animal Farm have we got?
C and P: Fifty!
Dispatcher: Product code?
*C and P both grab a book and race to get the product code*
P: 5130!
C: Oh man I was so gonna say it before you!
P: Hey man you talk shit.
C: What the hell gee, you talkin' shit!
P: Come on you know I'm better than you are!
C: Say whaaaaat? You talkin' shit man!
P: No, you talkin' shit! I'm the best and you know it!
Dispatcher: OK, how many Titus have we got?
C: Hey (Shuri), let's do a contest for who gets the product code first, come on man!
Me: *gives C the finger*



#5: Can I buy your cash?
P: Hey, when are we getting paid?
Dispatcher: Don't know, don't care.
C: Hey (Shuri), I'ma buy yo paycheck for 50 bucks, man.
Me: Huh? What?!
C: Yeah man, You give me paycheck and I pay you fifty good.
Me: What? Hell no. You couldn't cash it anyway.
C: Yo dude then I'll just take it from you.
Me: No problem, I'll just pick up my truck and run you over with it.
C: Nah can't do, 'cause I'll run away with mah bike, man.
Me: Then I'll just call the cops for help.
C: And what about runnin' me over?
Me: That'll happen if the cops take too long to come and help me.
C: ..........Maaaaaaaannnnnnn, that's way too complicated, I'm totally lost! Forget da deal, man!
Me: Yeah, you do that.



#6: Smells like university spirit
C: *grabs a 140-page book to be sent to a 7th grade class* Man, that book looks so long and complicated...



#7: I like it like like like like like that!
C: Hey peace guys I like you know gotta take a shit real quick so peace guys yo.



#8: I'm gonna kick you like a dirt!
C: Man you university people are too complex for me... But you know I'm better than all of you.
Dispatcher: Shut the FUCK UP!!!
C: Yo man, chill...
Boss: Shut up, C!



#9: Arriba arriba arriba, hai hai hai yippe!
C: Yo man I work so quick that you don't see me work.
Me: It's more like we quickly don't see you doing work.



#10: Look ma, I wear a Budweiser shirt!
C: Hey man, yo shirt's too chill, I'ma pay 10 good for it.
Me: No.
C: Ah come on man, twenty!
Me: No.
C: Fifty!
Me: No!
C: Ah gee man, I'ma give you my own shirt for it. That's worth 75 good.
Me: What? I don't give a fuck about the value of your damned shirt.
C: Ah man, I'ma give you my girlfriend for two days then.
Me: *With a face full of disgust, I do a cross sign with my index fingers.*
C: Yo man what does that mean? *He attempts to do the cross sign as well but forgets he's holding his cigarette.* OUCH!
Dispatcher: Haha, served!



#11: Nostalgia is a thing of the past
Me: ...But I gotta say, the best damn moment of the week was when C picked up a 140-page book and said "Man, that book looks so long and complicated!"
Dispatcher: Haha!
C: Hahahahahahahahaha-- Wait a minute...



#12: I drive a car! Stolen!
C: Yo man I changed my answering machine message to some chill stuff. Says "I got a Neon, peace." Fresh, huh?
P: Fo' real, yeah man!



#13: The Fat and The Furriest
C: Dude, my Neon could so smoke your Jeep.



This one needs a little bit of background. C decided to ride on a pallet of boxes while P moved it around with the jigger-lift. Hilarity ensued. Followed by...

14: BULLSHIT
Dispatcher: Hey guys, one of the guys on the other side said you guys weren't getting any work done around here. Hehe!
P: Ah hell no, we were doing work!
C: Yeah man!
Dispatcher: Yeah, how am I gonna believe that?
C: Ah, talk shit yo!
Dispatcher: *grins* Well, I can't trust your word and I'm sure Old Shack over there *points to me* won't say a thing so...
Me: Allow me. So C decided to get on a pallet and ride it and P moved it around with the jigger then he stopped and C fell on the floor and boxes fell on the floor and then they put the boxes back on the pallet then we did that pallet and dispatched it and while you were gone C went on another pallet and rode it while P moved it around and this was getting pretty long so I sat on a chair to wait for them and then P accused me of not doing any work and that prompted him to settle the pallet down and start it then you arrived with your line about the guy in the other warehouse saying we weren't doing any work. Ha!
Dispatcher: THERE! That is the whole truth, right here!
C: UUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN, talk shiiiiiiiit!
Boss: *just arrived* So you guys aren't doing any work?
Me: Boss, you so keep taking me out of context.
Boss: Haha, fuck yeah, man!



15: Explain analphabetisim in 1000 words or less.
C: Literature? What does that mean?
P: ...
Me: ...
Dispatcher: ...
C: No, fo' real, what's literature?
Dispatcher: (Hehehe!) Literature? Is that some kind of salad? (Heheheheh!)
C: Fo' real, man! What is it?!
Me: OK, when you read a book, you're doing literature.
C: Unn, that's it?
Me: That pretty much sums it up.
C: Uuuunnn! Talk shit, man! I know you talk shit! You dunno the real definition of literature!
Me: ...
C: I bet you don't know it! Why don't you speak now? Ooooohhhhhhhhhhh! I see right through you man! You don't know what literature is! I see right through you! Come on, don't talk shit now, admit it!



#16: I AM-- Wait a minute!
Diaptcher: Hey, can you go get me that box over there?
C: Hell no! I'm Arabic!



Other comical events...

-C and P argued, for two full hours, about the exact definition of the word "******". One after another, I told them to shut up, the dispatcher told them to shut up, then the boss told them to shut up. It ended up being two hours of hearing "you talkin' shit!" over and over again.

-Today, we ordered Chinese food. We were 5, and we ordered for 3 knowing that place did huge servings. Problem was: there were only 3 Won Ton soups. The dispatcher decided we'd hold a draw, to which everyone agreed except P, who complained that it was unfair. We do the ballot. In order comes C, myself, and... the dispatcher! P gets nothing and eats with an ugly face for the entire meal. Later that night, the dispatcher tells me he didn't care for the soup but absolutely wanted it in order to gain a spiritual victory over P.

-After we ended our work, we went to wash our hands in the bathroom next to the cash machines. While waiting for his turn, C starts pressing random buttons on the cash machines, knowing they are turned off anyways. But then, out of the intercom, comes out this godly voice that says...: "There's no money in here!"
 

Brazen

BAD, BOLD, BRAZEN
1,723
4
38
#2
Wrong fourm, needs to be under B&T!
 

TwisT

Hooked on Rocks!
2,347
1
0
#3
Half way through i fell asleep!!

Dumb fuckers!
 

MaxPower

You're my number two
Staff
16,962
8,164
487
#5
Good rant. I felt your frustration. Organized your negative thoughts well. I especially liked the added effort of introducing the cast, and putting it in transcript format.

I give it Three :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
 

Descent

Hella Constipated
7,686
165
157
#6
First off, welcome back motherfucker, I missed your skanky ass :thumbsup:!

Second off I wanna say this rant is typical Shurikane - otherworldly, hilarious, well formatted and documented. Keep up the good work.

Third off, arguing over the correct definition of the n-bomb for two hours is the hallmark of stupidity. What more is there to it?
 

magnolia

Postaholic
4,093
61
112
#7
What fucking assholes. How stupid can you be? I'd have fired them by now if I was the boss.
 

Shurikane

Raging Hermaphrodite
250
0
0
#8
Book titles C grossly misunderstood...

Book to pack: Of Mice And Men, by John Steinbeck (As you might have read about in quote #2)
What ended up on the label: Steinbeck



Book to pack: Les Misérables, by Victor Hugo
What ended up on the label: Hugo



Book to pack: Le Comte de Monte-Cristo, by Alexandre Dumas
What ended up on the label: Dumas



Book to pack: Cyrano de Bergerac, by Edmond Rostand
What ended up on the label: Edmond Rostand


C is also convinced that a play is a novel, and has never heard of the authors mentioned above.

Plan for tomorrow: make him pack a book written by Molière!
 

morelos

lexicon incognito
1,952
0
0
#9
shuri - see my avatar?

i'm not sure who i'd introduce to its business end first, were i in your shoes. it's sort of a toss-up between C, P and myself.
 

Descent

Hella Constipated
7,686
165
157
#10
morelos said:
shuri - see my avatar?

i'm not sure who i'd introduce to its business end first, were i in your shoes. it's sort of a toss-up between C, P and myself.
No way! :D! THE BITCH IS BACK!
 

Shurikane

Raging Hermaphrodite
250
0
0
#12
More book titles C grossly misunderstood...

Book to pack: And Then There Were None, by Agatha Christie
What ended up on the label: Agatha Christie


Book to pack: New Extraordinary Tales, by Edgar Allan Poe
What ended up on the label: Poe


Book to pack: The Characters, by Jean de La Bruyère
What ended up on the label: La Bruyère


-------------------------------------------------------


A memo was posted today, referring to people arriving late and making personal calls while at work. The whole damned thing was subtly aimed at C, who did both with unparalleled bravado.

I point him over to the memo. It was followed by:

#16: My eyes the size of fucking two-dollar coins
C: Yo, what's memorandum mean?
Me: Check the first four letters.
C: .......Oh. Memo. Got it.
Me: Good.
C: *looks at the memo for about 15 seconds, then turns around, picks up the phone and dials a number.*



#17: More of my eyes popping out
Me: Dude, you knew making personal calls was forbidden?
C: Huh? No yo, talk shit, that's not what it is.
Me: Care to explain?
C: See man, I get unlimited calls during breaks and two calls between breaks with my cellphone.
Me: ................
C: ...?
Me: Gimme your butterfly. I'm gonna kill myself, right here, right now. Go! Now!
C: Ah gee, I ain't got it with me yo.



#18: I'm an idiot and I don't care!
P: Shit, my mom kicked me out of the house.
Me: What for?
P: 'Cause I bought an $800 gold chain.
Dispatcher: Now I understand your mom's feelings.
Me: Ditto that!
P: Dude, you bought a 2 grand computer that isn't even gonna last a year before it's obsolete. My gold chain's gonna last forever!
Me: ...Now I really fucking understand your mom's feelings. And your mom kicks ass.




Some more facts about C:

-Ran out of ink on his permanent marker. So he started labeling boxes with pale blue highliter.

-Ran out of ink on his highliter. So he started labeling boxes with his pen.

-Also marked number of books inside the box using a red marker. Unfortunately, red denotes a position number for overstock. We had placed about 200 boxes of overstock one hour ago. He used the red marker. I mistook the box for overstock and went to place it. The dispatcher then looked for two hours around the whole warehouse to find a missing box, until he fell on the one C had marked with red and that I had placed among the overstock.

-C also proclaims peace... and yet carries a Butterfly knife in his backpack.

-C also re-did 9th grade. Three times. Claims the first time didn't count since he didn't go to any of his classes.


-------------------------------------------------------


#19: Complicate your life!
C: OK, not that it's long, but it's fucking long!



#20: Navajo, anyone?
Random guy: Hey C, you always look, like, out there you know.
C: Uuunnnnn... Just that I lack sleep.
Me: I rather think he's been baking a cake... He likes flour a lot.
Random guy: Haha!
C: ...UUUUNNNNNNNNN! I don't understand anything what you say...
Me: That's the point!



#21: La-la-la-la!...
Dispatcher: C, those books, they go on that table; not that one.
C: Uh huh, whatever...
Me: C, in case you didn't get the message, you gotta take those books and move 'em to that table. Over there.
C: Man, I'm deaf, I can't hear what you say.
Me: What the fuck?...
C: I'm deaf, I'm deaf, I'm deaf, I'm deaf!!!



It was my last day today, so let's end it on a positive note.

Introducing a girl: K!

#22: Quid-Pro-Quo!
Me: Dude, I managed to do an 87 hour week. On Wednesday, I did 17 hours. We left at 3 in the morning - we were totally on fire, my man!
Random dude: Holy Jesus!
K: *from a distance, looks at us with eyes big like quarters*
Me: What's wrong?
K: *walks up to us* Okay, all I heard was "It was 3 in the morning and we were on fire, my man."
Me: ...Holy shit, that's got the worst quid-pro-quo ever!
K: You people scare me. For real.
 
223
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#13
Wow, that guy sounds like a moron. At least he gives you someone to make fun of.
 

ericman123

CEO of the internet
288
2
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#14
Sounds like victims of the popular 1970's trend of dropping babies on their heads while feeding them spoonfulls of lead paint pumped full of mercury. Some people thought this practice gave their children supernatural powers. Of course, their parents thought the same as well.