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wow. dads huh


sorry this is long. needs to come out tho

I love my dad. when i was younger, he lived on a boat, and i have many happy memories of going down to the marina every saturday, to stay in "my dads boat". i was proud then, too young to realise what a cold person he is. no matter what he is, i refuse to see it. im having to accept very slowly and grudgingly that my mum had reason to bitch about him all these years.
i feel guilty. me and my dad lost contact about a year or so ago, because we didnt really have anything to say to eachother. we used to see eachother on weekends(at his boat), but to be honest, all he does is watch tv. hes never given me a hug. stopped saying he loved me when i was about 5.I went down to the old marina one day,a couple of years back now, to show a friend the boat i had such fond memories of while growing up.i really did love that boat. it wasnt in its usual spot. we walked around, all the pontoons, and at the very last one, what i saw nearly sent my heart striaght down to my shoes. it was the boat. to my disbelief, it was half in the water, decrepid, one door off the top hinge and swinging gently in the breeze. i looked in to the water logged second cabin, and i saw a photo i knew he treasured, me at about 5 years old, going through a tunnel in the park,pigtails sticking out of my head and a huge toothy grin on my face. it was floating, rotten, in the water. that memory haunts me now. after we lost contact (even tho he lives five minuutes away) he had a huge heart attack, was going to die. but did i go see him in thehospital? no. i didnt go because the last few years, i have been in a hole doing fuck all, not holding down jobs, being depressed. i had no excuse not to go see him. but i didnt. i just couldnt do it, i dont know why. it wasnt because i was mad with him, i just.. didnt want to go. since then, weve been talking more, but i havent had the chance to say im sorry.i know hes seriously resentful that i didnt go see him. i cant just tell him i love him because hes turned so cold. hes not gonna be around for much longer. and i cant just swallow my pride and tell him that i love him.

my dad lives with his mother, looks after her. she has dementia. my uncle came down to stay, and found a totaly blocked toilet upstairs, which my gran had been using. he'd just left the toilet full of shit and overflowing onto the floor. it stank the whole upstairs out, i was told. this shocked me. this seems like the sort of thing that would happen to someone whos lost it, not my dad. hes not crazy, old and lonely. i dont want to be ashamed of my father, but i have no choice. i have to admit to myself that hes old, fat, unhealthy, sleazy, and doesnt care about shit all over the bathroom floor. but I CANT. because hes my dad and i love him anyway. i think i'd be the only one at his funeral, apart from people that came for my sake. i definately know that im the only person in the whole world that cares if hes alive. and thats a hellova lonely feeling. thing is, i know people think hes cold, nasty etc. but i KNOW for a fact, that he loves me. or did. i dunno. he doesnt seem to care if hes alive anymore, always saying hell be dead soon.

thanks for letting me rant all my parental bother shite at you guys. wow i needed that. and that not even half of it