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You know what?

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#1
It's been a while since I had a chance to do a real big rant.

So here I am. I'm 18 years old, barely out of high school(which I barely passed) and supposed to face this real world. I don't want to face this real world. I forgot to plan ahead for this shit. This world doesn't want me. I've learned this already. Fuck, I don't know shit. If I knew shit, I'd be something, right? I'd be happy like everyone else at some dumb college campus and it wouldn't matter that I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life because I'd be in COLLEGE! WOW! What a bunch of fucking winners those kids are! You can ask them where to get alcohol if you're under 21 and they'll answer in a heart beat, but if you ask them where they want to be in five years, they'll say some shit about how they want to study fucking psychology or business some dumb shit like that. A major that isn't shit beyond a fucking piece of paper because these dumb cockfucks have no god damn sense of who they are because they are NOTHING. WORTHLESS PILES OF SHIT. Fucking god damnit. School means so much to you...it's your fear. Get a fucking job, then maybe you'll know what you want to be...something other than a pile of shit.

For a long time, I'd given up on women. About five months or so, I was browsing around the chat channels again and start talking to this girl...blah blah blah. "What a waste of life" I thought, just like all the rest of them. Another fucking screen name I'd see once in my life then forget right away. It didn't happen that way though...she kept talking to me, and I guess I didn't mind. Eventually it also moved to the phone. She tells me some shit one day about her past and about...well, things. I guess her dad's in a wheelchair now after some car accident and he's a pissed off guy, she got raped when she was 15, blah blah. At this point I looked at her in a different light...not so much because these things happened but because I'd been searching for a reason to legitimately be angry at everyone and here was someone who had it and didn't get angry at people. I guess it's different reactions or something, who knows. Anyway, I keep talking, then one night I had been on the phone with her and she starts crying and then proceeds to cut herself over the phone. Crying loudly, saying this crap like "Nobody can ever love me" etc. At this point, I had just come back from a show, and had been awake for more than 19 hours on only five hours of sleep with a minimal caffeine intake at most. The first thing on my mind is "If this fucking girl dies on the phone with me, I might get sued or something" so I'm trying to calm her down...and then I tell her I love her. I knew it was a lie when I said it. I felt a little nauseous. But she told me she loved me too before I left...I couldn't tell if it was because she meant it or felt bad for me or was so desperate for love she would have taken anything or what, but there it was. So I guess we both loved each other. As time passed, we kept talking and I'm not sure if I actually did grow to love her, if she filled some gap in my meaningless post-school existence, if I felt too bad to let her go because I thought she would try and kill herself again...but man, I didn't agree with some of the shit she did. This fucking alcoholic. Got drunk and called me occasionally. Well, that's great. Nice to know you're an "honest" drunk and that you love me sooooo much but I don't want to hear it. Not wanting to make fun of her eventually caused me to pick up drinking for the first time and now I'm not sure if that was the best decision, but I guess it's taught me to not be so pissy about it...but man. When this girl tells me after being sick that she's had a lot of time to think and doesn't think she knows what real love is...I'm like "WHAT THE FUCK". I should have realized this from the start, obviously she doesn't know. She was desperate. Desperate blah blah blah. She would have claimed love for any guy who would listen her. So now here I am, the one feeling dumped after I had no real interest in this person whatsoever at the start, and when she called me again at some point after, I started getting pissy. I wrote all this shit and she probably figured out I was mad at her. By the way, if anyone wants to know, this was why I was so mad when I made my return. Dealing with this fucking girl...god damnit. But it got to a boiling point and I had done a lot of thinking and wasn't sure if what I experienced was love at all and thought I had it figured out. I couldn't be mad at her because I did do some learning in her presence...and that's what I was and I felt bad about it. So I ended up calling her last night to tell her all this shit that I had been thinking about(mainly in the last couple days) and I ended up crying towards the end and then just letting her go feeling like I'd said all I could. You know what? Now I'll probably never talk to her again anyway. I can't decide whether I want to give this girl a big hug or a gun shot to the head. So fuck the whole thing. Some people are best left forgotten. The memories don't haunt me so much like they used to, but I can't decide what my future is with this person. Do I go on and try to be her friend, or do I stop talking to her? Hell, it's not like I'm going to go out of my way to try and talk to her, and she wouldn't do the same for me either because she doesn't give a fuck about me...at least I don't think so. So forget it. I'm not going to bother with any of this shit.

It leaves me with other things...I did meet another girl not too long ago in the same way...I really do like her. I just wish she was around more. I feel I can relate to her not just on an emotional level, but also on an intellectual level and she doesn't try to make her problems(which she does have some, of course) the forefront of her identity like the girl I mentioned in the large paragraph above. But she comes home from work and either ends up falling asleep or just reading. I do call her occasionally, but I don't try it often because this girl has the sleeping habits of a cat. Sleep for 12 hours or something, wake up for a few, then fall back asleep for 29058381508401 more hours. But hell...I've been thinking about just packing up my shit and hitting the road. Going out and adventuring, seeing things. I had wanted to do it alone, but I know that there's a girl sitting there that I can relate to a lot who doesn't like where she lives and wants to get away...who has no major obligations either besides a job which could be left any day.

...

If it was warmer, I would have quit my job by now and just left...now I have to wait for this cold winter to go by...

I often think life is not for me. I know enough to stay away from things that will have obvious detrimental effects, but I don't respect myself or like myself enough to do anything that will make me better. I can't go to school. I got tested for and diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome last winter...I know I could go on an IEP, but that would be a waste of time, I think. I'm not going to give my money or time to some asshole professor sitting in a room preaching about shit like we actually care because he cares about nothing but his check, doesn't give a fuck about the students, whether we pass or fail, show up or not, live or die. Fuck all of them. If I'm going to get a job worth giving a shit about, I'll get an apprenticeship. That way I can form a relationship with whoever I'm learning from and I'll care about showing up because I don't want to waste said person's time.

So what made me this way? I don't know. There seemed to be no huge catastrophic event in my life that fucked me in the head. My mom can be unreasonable sometimes...unwilling to see the viewpoints of others. My dad...well, I don't really think anything of him, he's just kind of there. My sister is a little cunt bitch who goes out of her way to disagree with everything I say and for all I care, she could go get killed and I wouldn't shed a tear. I think it's just a gradual trend of people I know throughout life hating me for the most part...or growing to hate me later. Having an undiagnosed behavioral disorder sure didn't help anything. I don't want to go on medication for it because it could compromise who I am...but is it the only option? Or is it possible for people to accept that if I'm talking to them, there's a good chance I'm going to get overexcited and make a weird noise or show strong emotions? I get really really happy and hyperactive when I'm in a good mood...when I'm in a bad mood, the words cut deep like a butcher knife. I've been going to my counselor again and I talk to him about things...probably not at as deep a level as I could. It's a start though. It'll get me somewhere eventually...

By the way, if you read all of this...just...wow. I wouldn't have been able to. I guess I just can't bring myself to care about anything, and because you can, you're clearly better than me. So thanks.
 
#2
Holy fuck , that was some great shit to read . I'm 18 too and i do share most of your thoughts , but that thing with talking to some uknown girls over the phone and giving a shit about them to a degree of being depressed is just plain stupid . Although i'm not the one who should be saying that , because i can`t manage to do it myself , try to find a girlfriend which you can actually touch and do stuff with , that'll make you feel better for sure , at least you`ll have reason to wake up in the morning . Hell even male friends will do , i have a lot of fun discussing with them how fucked the way the world works is . Our most common topic is " How is it possible for a major pussies to rule beings with superior intelligence such as ourselfs " or " Why the girls our age are narrow minded whores " . Having persons who feel the same way you do around is definitely positive experience .
 

void

Banned - What an Asshat!
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lamp.

i don't know what you think of me, </cares> ;) but i'm literate enough to hold my own in all social settings and have my own business and married a partner in a law firm.. so what? well i left school at 15, the youngest legal age in england. i graduated and was off like a shot.. some people weren't meant for further education. you might be one of them.

do the travel, i've been to a lot of places.. it makes a lot more sense than stagnating when you're down. don't take anyone with you, least of all a girl you hardly know, i did that.. twice.. it's difficult falling out 3000 miles away.

if you want a goal make it being busy.. the rest will follow. girls seem to come along when you have the least time for them.. as do good jobs.. friends..

you're one of the nice guys, there.. a stranger on the webnets shared his misguided positive opinion of you with you. :D
 
#4
Holy shit balls, that was a post and a half... had to make a pit stop half way through!

Not exactly sure what the point of it was exactly, seems like your a bit worried about not having direction at the moment (could be wrong... never much good with comprehension), my thought is don't get too hung up on this stuff, enjoy the process a bit more and don't try to take the end result too seriously. Think on the bright side, this is a time where your not tied down with much so your free to try all sorts of stuff...

Don't quite understand what you have against uni students though :confused:...
 

littleone

the short crazy one
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#5
I'm 18 too. And I'm in college, but what the fuck am I doing. I'm not really sure.

Yeah, I can tell you where you can get some drinks, easily, and some drugs for that matter. But just because I'm in college doesn't make me better than anyone that's working and not going to college, my boyfriend's doing that for god's sake. And I'm proud to have him as a boyfriend.

I'm sorry for all the hate in your life. Take care of numero uno, do the traveling like Void said. I don't know much from experience, but it sounds like the right route for you.

Go. Live, for those who are chained to the computer and whose minds are locked on school.
 
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#6
I'm 20. I have no grade 12 diploma or any desire to pursue further education.

And, I have no idea what the hell I want to do with my life.

Like you, I wanted to travel. But with no money, that has always been difficult. Until recently, when I flew to Georgia to visit a girl I met online.

Like the above poster said, if you have the money and/or the motivation, go travel. Go do something.

I forgot what you said in your original post about girl #2, but if you care enough about her, plan a trip to see her. Of course, ask her if she's comfortable with that first. :happysad:
 
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#7
Well first of all, I'm gonna say I tried to psotive rep everyone who replied to this thread, but then it told me I'd given too much out in the last 24 hours. I guess rants like this are what happen when the sun is rising and you've been up all night. So...

I'll try to address any points that caught my eye now.

The--Butcher said:
I'm 18 too and i do share most of your thoughts , but that thing with talking to some uknown girls over the phone and giving a shit about them to a degree of being depressed is just plain stupid . Although i'm not the one who should be saying that , because i can`t manage to do it myself , try to find a girlfriend which you can actually touch and do stuff with , that'll make you feel better for sure , at least you`ll have reason to wake up in the morning .
One thing leads to another. I can't talk to anybody in my everyday life because I either don't get out enough or I'm flat out too nervous to start a conversation with a stranger, so I let it be. I will agree with you getting so worked up over this first girl was fucking stupid...especially because now, I'm not even sure what I saw in her and was basically convinced that I was manipulated into caring for her due to her depressive nature...


void said:
do the travel, i've been to a lot of places.. it makes a lot more sense than stagnating when you're down. don't take anyone with you, least of all a girl you hardly know, i did that.. twice.. it's difficult falling out 3000 miles away.
Well if anything I could go visit her. There's no real destination I have in mind, but I guess that's a good thing. Anywhere's possible.

And yes, I do have a lot of respect for you, you post interesting stories as opposed to the 9234885135031 shitty "YAH FU!" threads.


littleone said:
But just because I'm in college doesn't make me better than anyone that's working and not going to college
I don't believe you(or that you actually think that way).

"All I have to do is pay $32,000 for four years and I'm better than you."
(not quoting you obviously, just thought it was relevant)
 

Piro

From appaled to applauding, controversy.
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Lamp said:
When this girl tells me after being sick that she's had a lot of time to think and doesn't think she knows what real love is.
I couldn't help but get the feeling it was more of a plea more than a statement. :happysad:

I’m 18 like you; I also do not have a clue where I want to be in years to come. Sure, I got through graduation, but I was a fool and missed my opening. Now, I’m pursuing a career in an area I not certain I even enjoy. I’m lost too; I lost my way and am sitting in a rut pondering, “what the fuck am I doing with my life?”

I want to travel, leave my life behind for a while and explore the world. But I’m stuck because I’ve a course/"apprenticeship" to finish, and I do intend to finish it; I don’t want to end up following in my Dad’s footsteps as a non-achiever.

I’m finding myself angry. It was aimed at the world at first, but I soon realized I was more pissed off at myself. Self-motivation has never been my forte, I’m lazy, and that is where my anger usually stems from because I can’t be bothered to do something about my life. I wouldn’t know which way to head in anyways, kind of lost my direction.

I’m gonna keep hanging on and see where I end up. As for what you do, well, you can make up your own damn mind.